You gotta HEAL!

Hello my fabulous readers! I cannot believe that this is the last week of February! This month is usually a short month but heck, it flew by!  It’s a leap year this year so a Happy Birthday to any of my leap year babies! When I’ve asked people how their 2024 is going, many people sigh, tell me it’s “fine” and then proceed to tell me all the struggles that they are going through. I know it’s hard out there and some things are out of your control and some things are in your control. A big part of this blog is focusing on the things that are in our control which includes your reactions, your healing, and who gets to walk with you in your journey as you forge your own path. 

In therapy, we often say that people come to therapy because someone in their life won’t go to therapy. The person/people in their life refused to acknowledge their mistakes,  to change,  are dismissive, and deny any need to improve or grow. This can be extremely frustrating when someone in your life refuses to better themselves.  Part of therapy and being in therapy is calling out shit that is often tough and difficult to hear.  Now this blog is not intended to replace your own therapy but it is intended to be real and call out shit that may be hard to hear. A lot of people are not ready to hear the truth about their own behaviors and to forge your own path in life, you have to be honest with yourself and be accountable for your choices. 

I know I keep reinforcing that each step in forging your own path is hard but this next step is hard;  it’s hard because it’s all about you and your willingness to take accountability for your own healing. It’s about taking ownership and no longer blaming others for your reactions and actions. It’s no longer being stuck in the past and being able to move forward with lightness and not allowing the bonds from the past keeping you captive. I’m talking about healing from trauma. 

Healing from trauma is hard because it means acknowledging that there are events, feelings, and emotions that keep us from moving forward. We may have left the house that was full of abuse (physical, emotional, psychological, substance abuse) but we find that are survival instincts, our reactions, and maladaptive behaviors,  are now overtaking areas of our lives that we didn’t think would continue since we are far away from the the place that caused us so much pain. 

In order to heal from trauma, we have to understand what trauma is first. The word trauma is saturated in social media and has various meanings and interpretations. But what actually is trauma? There are many forms of trauma and when we think of trauma, we often envision a woman who is in a domestic violence relationship who is getting physically abused or  a soldier who returned from home from deployment and now has nightmares, unable to sleep, with erratic behavior. Yes. The two scenarios above are trauma and is what is called “Big T” Trauma. The following examples are Big T traumas: 

• Physical or Sexual abuse
• Accidents or Natural Disasters 
• Combat or Witnessing violence 
• Neglect or Abandonment 
• Situation/s of endangerment 

The above are just a few examples of Big T trauma. In the therapy world, these types of trauma would likely meet the diagnoses of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and we often associate this type of trauma as the only form of trauma. 

I acknowledge that the word trauma gets thrown around a lot by today’s standards and there has been pushback from Therapists about what actually constitutes what is trauma. Some Therapists have a very narrow view of trauma and will not diagnose or use the word trauma. As a Therapist, I understand that not every situation qualifies as PTSD. However, I cannot be  dismissive of a client’s experience that contributes to their overall emotional pain, fear, or other negative emotions that appears to shape how a person views their self-worth and value. This type of trauma that I am talking about is called the “little t traumas.”  Little t traumas are personal. They’re the little jabs, comments, remarks, and statements from your parents, teachers, bully’s, bosses, coaches, and anyone who may have had authority over you. They used that hierarchy of power to make you feel useless, powerless, worthless, hopeless, helpless, and rejoiced in having that power over you.  In their eyes, you are beneath them, are too stupid, too fat, too young, can’t talk back, and they know better. They use their words to cut you down, make you feel small, to the point where you don’t know who you are, you don’t believe in yourself, and you even wonder if you are worthy of being a human being. For the little t’s the best choice of weapon for the abuser are their words. 

In my experience both BIG T Trauma and little t trauma have long lasting impacts. However, I have found that it’s the little t traumas that have a bigger and longer impact on a person’s ability to heal. Those type wounds are hidden. But they sneak up on how you interact with others, come up in your relationships, how you parent, and how you react in times of stress and challenging situations. You may not even understand them initially at first. But you start noticing cycles, the people in your life keep telling you the same thing about your behaviors, they point out the things that you say and do, and at times, it can be awful and hurtful to hear their feedback. 

So what are steps that you can take to start your healing journey from trauma? The first is to: 

Acknowledge and Accept Your Feelings: 

• Recognize and accept that you've experienced trauma. Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions associated with the trauma. This may include feelings of  anger, sadness, fear, and grief. It's essential to validate your feelings rather than suppress or deny them. 

Seek Professional Help

• Consider seeking support from a therapist experienced in providing trauma therapy. Therapy can provide a safe and nonjudgmental space to explore your experiences, process your emotions, and develop coping strategies.

Educate Yourself About Trauma

• Learn more about trauma and its effects on the mind and body. Understanding how trauma impacts you can help you make sense of your experiences and develop effective coping strategies.

Set Boundaries 

• Boundaries are so essential when it comes to healing from trauma! Especially with people who inflicted the trauma. Learn to recognize and assert your boundaries and communicate assertively with others.

Healing from trauma is going to take time, lots of patience, self-love, and compassion for yourself.  There is no timeline for healing from trauma. People often want to fast track it. The more you try to force the healing, it will backfire on you. So girl, allow yourself to feel the emotions and sit with it.  Healing from trauma is something not everyone wants to do or can do. You however, have decided that you are done with the bullshit and will no longer let it define you.  So queen, it's time to let go of the BULLSHIT that kept you from being the BADASS that you know you are. It's time to HEAL and close that book of your life!