SHAME! SHAME on YOU!

Wow! It’s already the third week of April! This has been a busy month filled with many work and family commitments. This past week, I had an opportunity to return home to celebrate an event for my brother and baby niece. It was a tiring weekend but filled with lots of family and familiar faces that I haven’t seen for a while! 

As always, when these events occur where there are a lot of family members present, there are always questions from cousins, aunts, and uncles about my status (marriage, where I live, what kind of work I am doing, my thoughts on marriage, when I will have children, blah blah blah). Most of these questions are asked out of curiosity and I do answer them accordingly. As always, there is always that one or two aunt or female relative who loves to insert their thoughts, opinions, and beliefs to me. When I respond back about my life choices they are in shock that I have the audacity to answer them that way and that I am unabashedly not ashamed to live the way I want to; to be different and going against the norm is something that a lot of people and sadly some women are not comfortable with; especially when they are fearful of other people’s opinions. 

Which brings me to reflect about my path. At some point in my younger years, I thought I wanted the same life as everyone. I was under the impression that 

 I had to get married and settle down and as a result, forced unhealthy relationships that weren’t  good for me simply for the sake of trying to fit the status quo of society.  However, when I really allowed myself to dream and dream big, I realized that the life that I truly wanted and wished for, didn’t include living in my small Midwest city and settling down with some mediocre dude who never left the city or some dude who had no aspirations to do and be more. I knew that deep down, someone like that would hinder my growth and I would grow to be resentful because I didn’t believe in myself and I allowed other people’s opinions and their SHAMING tactics to get me to conform. 

We all have been shamed at one point or another in our lives. Especially as women, we get shamed by society, the people closest to us and by random ass strangers who have no business voicing their judgements to us. We have been told constantly by everyone (our parents, the church, culture, and dudes) what it means to be a “woman” and how we are lesser if we deviate from a path that makes others uncomfortable. Shame is a powerful tactic to make us feel small, as though there is something wrong with us and used to ostracize us so others can feel better about themselves. 

Ladies, to forge your own path in life, you have to work through your shame. We all have unresolved shame. It shows up in our daily lives, how we respond to others, and the things that we say and do. We don’t think we have shame until we actually process our words, interactions, and responses to situations. To be a self-aware mental health therapist, I have to check myself constantly about my own unresolved shame and how this impacts my personal and professional career. I can give a perfect example on how shame shows up in my life, specifically my professional career. 

When I first decided  to open my private practice in 2022, I had to choose if I wanted to panel with insurance companies or just take private pay clients. I reviewed the pros and cons of both. I wanted to be accessible to my clients and help as many clients as I could. As a BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, Person of Color) many people in my field voiced that I should take insurance because it was my duty to help the less fortunate and marginalized members of the community. If I was private pay only, I would only work with “rich, white, people.”  After asking myself what I truly wanted and what made sense for me, I decided on the latter. WHOO! The comments and feedback that I received from other THERAPISTS! Many accused me of selling out to only work with wealthy people and that I went against everything that was taught in Social Work school. I remember the feelings that I experienced: guilt, shame, greed, money hungry, and being a sell out. However, as I sat with these thoughts and feelings, I realized that people were putting their values, insecurities, and shame onto me. It wasn’t about me, it was about them and their projections. As soon as I came to this conclusion, I proudly did what was BEST for me! 

Shame is an old ass powerful tool used to control people to belittle them in various contexts. The following are examples on  how shame is used as a means to control people: 

• Social Conformity: Shame is employed to enforce social norms and conformity. Individuals who deviate from societal expectations or norms may be shamed by others as a means of pressuring them to conform to the accepted standards of behavior.

• Guilt and Manipulation: Oh the guilt! Shame is used to manipulate and control others by inducing feelings of guilt or unworthiness. Manipulators leverage shame to make others feel responsible for their actions or to compel them to comply with their demands.

• Power Dynamics: You can't talk about shame without talking about power. Shame can reinforce power dynamics within relationships and institutions. Those in positions of authority use shame to maintain control over others by enforcing fear of judgment for non-compliance.

• Cultural and Religious Influence: We have to address this one. Shame is often used in cultural and religious institutions; shame is used as a means of regulating moral behavior and enforcing adherence to religious or cultural norms. Individuals who violate these norms may be shamed by their community or religious leaders as a form of punishment or social control.

• Identity Formation: Shame can influence the formation of identity by shaping individuals' perceptions of themselves and others. Those who experience shame may internalize negative beliefs about themselves, leading to low self-esteem and a low sense of self-worth. It's used to make you feel confused!

To forge your own path in life and live a life that is truly yours, you have to work through your shame and ask yourself why certain topics and situations bring up these feelings. What I have learned for myself and in working with others is that if you do not address this, it will SHOW UP and cripple you in ways that you never thought it would. It will feel like you are living a lie, someone’s else’s life, a facade, while trying to please everyone but yourself. Shame is not about you;  it’s about how others want YOU to be for their own devices. Once you work through and let go of that shame, it no longer CONTROLS you. 

As always my dears, forging your one path is never easy but you have come too far and worked too hard to let something like shame stop you from being a BADASS WOMAN. Once you work through it, you WILL be UNSTOPPABLE!

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