How DARE YOU BE S......

Wow! Where the heck did March go?! I swear I was just writing about the first week of March and now we are in the last week?! Time is just flying by! I hope you all had a great fabulous weekend. I took off for a week and it was fabulous! As a society, we have been conditioned to be on the go so much that when we finally have an opportunity to rest, we don’t realize how much we put our bodies and minds through until we actually get to rest.  During my week off, for the first few days, I did literally NOTHING. It was great. I tried not to answer any emails, look at my LinkedIn, or anything that was work related. However, that doesn’t stop my mind from thinking about future blog posts to write about and say “Ah-ha!” That would be a great blog post to discuss! 

Speaking of rest, during my break, I did take the opportunity to go and visit my family back in my hometown. I took the time to take my niece and nephew for lunch, visited my baby nephews, and spent some time with my parents and the kids. If my readers are new and are not aware, I am a childfree single woman. During my visit, I reflected back on my journey to where I am now, and thought, WOW! If my 25 year old self saw my 40 year old self now, she would be AMAZED! She would say, “Damn girl!  How did you become so fabulous, fearless, and bold?!” The answer is I had to learn how to establish my boundaries and be “SELFISH.” You see, as a Hmong daughter, it was instilled to me that my role in life was to always put other people's needs before my own. The worst thing I could be was selfish; to be selfish was to be the ultimate bad daughter. My role in life was to put others before my own, especially, my parents and family. In my attempts to do this, I realized that I would always be last, be forgotten, and be taken advantage of because I was supposed to be convenient for everybody else but myself. 

It was not an easy path to establish my boundaries and learn to put myself first. There was a lot of guilt, shame, and at times, regret that I may have done the wrong thing. However, as I continued on my journey, I realized that as a woman, I was called selfish but many of the men in my culture were not called selfish. They were encouraged to be selfish simply because they were dudes. 

As many of you can tell, I am a feminist. Back in my late teens and even my 20’s, the worst thing a woman can be called is a feminist. When I was younger, to be a feminist meant that you were a cat-loving lesbian (don’t threaten me with a good time now) who hated men.  Now, I embrace being a feminist because as I grew older and didn’t follow the trajectory of what society deemed for me as a heterosexual woman, I received unsolicited comments and “advice” about my life choices. I saw the injustices in the workplace, society, and even my own family on what a woman is supposed to want, act, and behave. When a woman decides that she is NOT going to conform, the accusations are HOW DARE YOU BE SELFISH?!!!! Apparently, that is the absolute WORST thing a woman can ever be is to be selfish. 

But why is society so fearful of a woman being selfish? Why is that word thrown around like an insult? Simple. It’s meant to try to shame us into behaving and doing what is convenient for others. When you are no longer convenient, easy, and biddable, people don’t get to use and abuse you for their own purposes. They are threatened by a woman who knows her worth, has her boundaries, and refuses to accept less and often, it means them. They’re angry that you won’t accept the bare minimum and burn yourself out for things and people that have no return in investment. Society thrives on the misery of women and by being a selfish woman, you refuse to be miserable. 

So how is the term selfish weaponized towards women in society to oppress and shame us into conforming? Here are some common ways: 

Double Standards: Oh the double standards! Women are often held to different standards than men when it comes to prioritizing their own needs and desires. Men will be praised for their assertiveness and self-confidence while women are criticized and labeled as selfish for displaying similar traits.

Traditional Gender Roles: Societal expectations of women as caregivers and nurturers leads to the perception that prioritizing their own well-being or ambitions is selfish. Women may face pressure to prioritize the needs of others such as family members, partners, or children instead of their own. Ever see those videos of Moms not getting Christmas, birthday, or mother’s day presents? 

Emotional Labor: Women are expected to perform the emotional labor in relationships, especially, heterosexual cis relationships and quite frankly, it’s fucking exhausting! When women assert their boundaries or express their own needs, they may be accused of neglecting their responsibilities or being selfish for not prioritizing the emotional needs of others.

Career Ambitions: Women who prioritize their career aspirations or personal goals over traditional family roles are accused of being selfish or lacking in maternal instincts. This can lead to criticism and judgment from others, including family members, colleagues, and society.

Internalized Sexism: Ladies, I gotta call this one out. Women themselves internalize societal messages about gender roles and expectations, leading them to judge, criticize, and shame other women for behaviors perceived as selfish. Internalized sexism perpetuates harmful stereotypes. My friend Jean Evans-Williams said it best “the greatest trick the patriarchy ever invented was getting women to police women.” Damn, straight up. 

The above are just some examples but I have to say the one that I have noticed and have felt the most has been internalized sexism. The most hurtful, shameful, and judgmental comments I have ever received have been from other women. Often these were my own aunts, cousins, and extended family members that tried to use fear, shame, and have policed me by projecting their scarcity, misery, and values onto me. Fortunately,  I have always been a strong, willful, girl/woman, who never gave a shit about idiotic people’s opinions. 

In my personal and professional life, I meet so many women who are afraid of being selfish. Apparently it’s worse to be called selfish than a bitch, hussy, or homewrecker (yikes). Ladies, you’re damn if you do, you’re damn if you don’t, so you might as well DAMN IT ALL by being “selfish.” You are never going to make anyone happy so you might as well make yourself happy! As always, start by establishing those boundaries, don’t wait for permission, and just go for it.  Shamelessly own your path and be SELFISH! 

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