I. PICK. ME!

Happy third week of April my lovely readers!  I love this month because you get the best of both worlds. I confess, I love the warm weather that we had last weekend, but when I started seeing all the bugs and mosquitos buzzing around, I was like “hell no!” I’m not ready for this. I love the rainy days that make my days cozy but also the cool sunshine of the 50 and 60 degree weather that makes going out for a walk perfect. 

Speaking of April, as always, this month is flying by! My month has already been busy with family events, birthday parties, and networking events. All this can be fun but also a lot of work. I love attending networking events to meet other small businesses, professionals, and especially, women business owners. When I chat with women business owners, regardless of what business we are in, it seems that we all have the same challenges and supporting one another is essential.

In my observation in both my networking and professional clients, certain themes seem to be apparent in my interactions with people. My social work/therapist colleagues always joke that people love to tell us their life stories without us prompting them. Heck, Uber drivers LOVE to trauma dump on us within a minute of us getting in the car. LOL. My point is, we must have an aura that makes people feel safe with us that they seem to be able to just talk non-stop about their life struggles without us even asking. 

Which leads me to this week’s blog. One of the themes that I have heard a lot from women of late is feeling guilty and selfish for wanting to choose their wants, wishes, and their dreams and yet feel that they have to compromise all of this to meet the wants and desires of their spouse, partners, or family. You would think that in 2024, women would be encouraged to go after their dreams but sadly, this is not the case. As a matter of fact, more women than ever are feeling trapped, stuck, and shamed for wanting to choose themselves but don’t feel that they have the right to. As always, it comes back to women sacrificing their lives to complete the dreams of others. 

As I mentioned before in my previous blogs, I’ve worked with women of all ages. I work with young women in their early 20’s who are figuring out who they are and women in their 60’s who are reclaiming their identity. Regardless of  what stage they are in, all the women that I have worked with or come into contact with, have all felt guilt and shame about wanting to choose themselves. I see young women who give up their hopes, dreams, and aspirations to support their boyfriends’ dreams by picking up everything they own, love, and their livelihood to be closer to complete the dreams of their significant other or partners.  In my line of work, I see the aftermath of the potential outcomes when you sacrifice your goals and dim your light to make others shine. 

Please remember that this blog is never intended to shame you for your decisions or to trigger you. If you do feel triggered, I would ask why you feel this way. When I have assessed previous situations that made me feel uncomfortable, I realized that it was my own insecurities and feelings that increased my negative feelings. 

Ladies, if you are SICK and TIRED of martyring your goals, your dreams, passions, time, and energy to complete other people, YOU DON’T HAVE TO!  As women, we saw our mothers and grandmothers do this and we think that we have to continue on this cycle but WE DON’T.  To be a cycle breaker, it’s going to take a lot of self-love and willingness to PISS people off. Now, I’m not saying that you are going to intentionally piss people off but being comfortable with the fact that you will likely have people mad at you because you DARED PICKED YOU.  People will call you names, shame you, and will definitely call you SELFISH and you know what? Who cares if you are selfish. You’re only called selfish because you decided to live for yourself by choosing YOU!

You’re probably wondering, how do I stop sacrificing myself and learn to focus on me? Are my aspirations as important as my boyfriends, partners or family? YES. THEY ARE. Here are a few tips to help you: 

• Recognize Your Own Needs: Acknowledging that your needs, wishes, wants, and desires are just as important as those of others. Take time to identify what you need to feel fulfilled and happy in your own life.

• Learn to Say No: Many of us grew up with people pleasing tendencies so learning to say NO is difficult.  It’s okay to say NO to requests, obligations, or commitments that do not align with your priorities or values. The more you practice, the easier it becomes that you no LONGER feel guilty or obligated to explain yourself.

• Practice Assertiveness: Develop assertive communication skills to express your needs, preferences, and boundaries clearly and respectfully. Remember, there is a difference between being assertive versus being aggressive. You can be assertive without being rude or accusatory. 

• Reflect on Your Values: Reflect on your values and beliefs to ensure that your actions align with what is truly important to you. Let your values help guide your decisions and actions instead of the expectations or demands of others.

• Celebrate Your Autonomy: Celebrate your autonomy and independence by making choices that honor your own needs and desires. Embrace the freedom that comes with taking control of your own life and being at peace with it! 

Forging your own path in life can be different things to different people. When I help people forge their own path in life, I want them to embrace their choices, not feel judged or be ashamed that they were honest with themselves and took what they want without feeling guilty.  

Ladies, one of the things that I hear consistently from people, especially women, is that they always assume that they are the EXCEPTION. They assumed that nothing bad would ever happen to them. That the person that they dim their light for,  left their livelihood, dropped out of school or had kids for (yes; I am going there) would never leave them, would never cheat of them, would neve abuse them, or make them a single mother because they put all their trust and fate into that person.

If your gut is telling you to choose yourself, to follow your dreams, even if it means making that person mad at you or you lose that someone, it’s a hard choice you have to make. Too many women I know both personally and professionally, have regretted that they LOST themselves. 

 In our society,  as girls and as women, we have been conditioned to put our dreams and ourselves on the backburner so we can allow others to complete their dreams and be the “woman behind every great man.” I don’t know about you but I’ve never been good about standing behind some mediocre dude when I know that I’m as good or even better. Darlings, it’s time to stop being a “pick me” girl and be the I. PICK. ME. WOMAN. IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO CHOOSE YOU.  I know you got this GIRL and the world is waiting for you to blaze your fire! So what are you waiting for?

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